1. What were the main challenges you experienced in getting matched?
I’m a rather insecure and indecisive person, so the matching and the decision about who to get married to was always intimidating for me. No matter how much I tried fitting into the system, I felt very strongly that the matching system, as good as it may be, simply would not work for me. I really couldn’t connect to it or see why it is the way that I will find my partner. It rather felt it was a huge obstacle to finding him!
Also, my parents and I tried really hard to work together, but we just couldn’t manage to be on the same page about how to do it and it felt pretty awkward. In hindsight, I would say that back then, I didn’t know what “a relationship” is about. I had an abstract, idealistic idea about being a “blessed couple” that had hardly anything to do with real life. So I still needed (and need) to learn a lot about the most basic aspects of human life (connection, love, vulnerability, etc.).
2. What were the key decisions and efforts you made to overcome these challenges?
In 2014, at the age of 25, I got to a point where I realised, you could say I decided, that GOD IS BIGGER than the matching system. SO much bigger. So I told my parents I would take it into my own hands. However, I had absolutely no idea what to do because I’m REALLY not the kind of person who will go up to a guy and suggest a matching! So I went by the motto: “I’ll do my best, and God does the rest.” I updated my profile on the website. I got in contact with the person organizing the 24+ retreat in the USA and considered going. People told me that there aren’t a lot of people out there, but I knew that I don’t need many but only ONE! I was confident that God will provide and that there is a way for me. I may not see it, but that doesn’t matter. Also, I realised that I had never really felt open for a relationship and mainly tried to get matched because that’s what I was supposed to do! In many ways, I felt afraid of a relationship. However, through a long process, I grew my confidence that this relationship WILL happen, whether it takes a month or a year or longer. And eventually I got to a point where I finally felt truly open for it.
3. What would you have done differently or what would you advise others not to do?
I’m grateful for the journey and everything that happened along the way, including two, rather short, matching processes that were both ended by the other person. Also, I don’t regret receiving the blessing this “late”. I took as much time as I needed until I felt ready, and for me, the “how” is more important than the “when”. This way, I was able to go to the blessing with a happy, grateful heart and KNOW what I’m doing! Also, I think at a younger age, I wouldn’t have known myself enough in order to go through the growing process that the matching experience brought about. Instead of becoming more open, I would probably have pushed away this wonderful person who I feel is the best partner God could have picked for me.
4. What lessons have you learned through your journey to getting matched?
Don’t believe everything you think.
5. Any other comments
My spouse says that the first time we met, he felt that I was “the one” for him. He didn’t tell me, though, so we developed out friendship over two years. Then he felt prepared and ready to approach me, which, miraculously, happened to be at the same time I felt ready! However, I wasn’t really sure how to react. I thought about his suggestion for a week and focused on the things that are most important to me in a relationship, which was very helpful.
I came to the conclusion that despite how little I know him, I see the potential to have the kind of relationship I wish for. And this potential now proves to be more than true. However, it took me more than a year to overcome my fear of commitment until my fear didn’t control me anymore and I could happily say “yes”. Along the way, I received support from not only my spouse but many different people. I think that especially for someone like me, who finds it difficult to trust herself and know what I want, it was very good that the circumstances forced me to make this decision – my decision. Also, there were many experiences and situations along the way that kept reassuring me that GOD IS IN THIS – that God is guiding both of us and has been leading us to find each other. I still feel this guidance today. Both of us feel that our blessing is a miracle, a grace and a blessing.
There are a lot of resources / books / articles about fear of commitment out there, so I advise you to take a look if that is something you are trying to deal with.